I’m feeling pretty reflective at the minute but I think we all get a bit like that at this time of year, don’t we? I feel like I should put a disclaimer or warning in here. This post is a straight out of my head, stream of consciousness. I haven’t gone back and reread it or tweaked it any way like I usually do with my posts. This is completely as it comes. It might not make complete sense and it might sound ridiculous in places but I wanted to get my thoughts on this year down. Now that they’re out of my head I’m hoping that it will be a much clearer place for me to take on the new year. 2017, I’m coming for you.
I’m currently ensconced in my childhood home in Liverpool. I feel like I’ve finally had a chance to breathe a sigh of relief and take a step back for a minute while I relax, calm down and catch up with friends and family that I haven’t seen for a few months. It’s nice, to say the least.
It seems like the popular view to say that this year has been a rubbish one. Like if you’re not complaining that it was a shit year, did it even count? But I have to admit 2016, you’ve been a bit of a weird one.
In one way it’s been the most incredible year of my life because it brought us Cecilia and, bloody hell, she has turned our lives upside down but I can’t ever imagine being without her now, nor would I want to be. She may be ending this year as an eight month old but in that short amount of time she has developed into a crazy, determined, little fireball. She is so loving and funny but fiercely independent, even at this tiny age. Everything about her leaves me amazed. I never knew it was possible to love anyone as much as I love her. I would do anything for her and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of selfless adoration for another human being before in my life and just by being I definitely think she’s made me a better person. She’s forced me to look at myself and my life in a way I never have before and, although she doesn’t know it, she is inspiring me and spurring me on to be the best version of me I can so I can set her a good example. She fascinates and astounds me on a daily basis and I feel very proud to be able to call myself her Mum. It may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tackle but it’s also thee most rewarding.
Not only has this year brought us our baby, my cousin had a baby boy, Superted, and we’ve celebrated some lovely family occasions including christenings and weddings. Plus, Tom and I bought a new flat (hopefully we’ll get a date to move in soon!) So there has certainly been plenty to celebrate.
2016 has also been the year I finally took the plunge and threw myself, quite literally in some cases, into a new hobby. In September I, finally after years of debating and making excuses for myself, signed up to London Rockin’ Rollers Fresh Meat. I’m definitely not the best skater, in fact, my skills leave an awful lot to be desired but I’ve come on leaps and bounds (not literally because I still have a mental block when it comes to picking my damn feet up!) from when I started and could barely roll. Not only did I buck up the courage to give something a try that I’ve been dying to try for years, I discovered I absolutely bloody love it and I’ve met a whole host of awesome girls that are just freaking ace to put it bluntly.
On the other hand this year has been full of death, doom and depression. With the slew of celebrities and legends of stage and screen that passed away leaving hordes of devastated fans in its wake and the upset caused by brexit and trump everyone has felt their entire world wobble a bit for one reason or another.
My little world has wobbled on its own axis as my mental health hasn’t been at its best. (Sorry to keep banging on about it) being a parent is hard, being a new parent is terrifying. My anxiety levels have been sky high and I’ve struggled a bit with it all. There have obviously been plenty of times when I’ve been fine but there have probably been more times when I’ve had to force myself through it. It’s effected nearly every area of my life from just getting out and about to how I am with Cece to beating myself up when my head will just not allow me to pick my skate clad feet off the bloody floor!!! Some things happened at the end of this year that have derailed things a bit for me too. Plans I had for next year have now been thrown out of the window and I’m feeling very much in limbo. Which obviously hasn’t helped with this either but slowly I’m starting to work these things out in my head and I know everything is going to be alright in the end. It’s just the in between time that is still making me nervous right now.
2017 I am so ready ready for you. I’m not making any resolutions because they’re too easy to break but I am setting myself some goals. Maybe not straight away but they’ll definitely be changing and developing as the year goes on. Part of me is looking forward to it, part of me is nervous excited.
This is the year I am going to stop being my own worst enemy. This is the year that I stop beating myself up over silly things. This is the year of #igotthis!
We can do it, I can do it, in fact, I will do it!
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