Well, this turned into a bit more of a brain dump than the post I had planned so I just wanted to warn you about that before you started reading.
After I had Cece I really struggled to get to a place where I felt even a little bit like the version of me I was before I got pregnant. I eventually found a new version of me that I quite liked but I definitely wasn’t the same Laura as before.
Before Cece, I was probably the fittest I’ve ever been. I had a personal trainer that I saw once a week and I was going to Cross Fit at least twice a week. In fact, although I stopped going to Cross Fit I still saw my trainer until I was about 36 weeks pregnant. My abs were so strong that the midwife even commented on them when she was feeling my stomach after I’d given birth.
Although I started roller derby when Cece was about six months old, that once a week skate became my only exercise and I progressively got heavier and squishier and wobblier and increasingly more unhappy with how I looked and how I felt in myself. I’d lost confidence in who I was and everything I had in me was directed towards Cece.
We’d been to NCT classes when I was pregnant the first time. I hadn’t realised how good this was. Even though we only really actually made friends with one couple there it was enough. Their son was born a week or so before Cece and they had very similar temperaments. Good for us as when we were together at least there was another shouting child and not just ours, ha. We saw each other a couple of times a week and went to baby classes together. It was my guarantee that I’d get out and about during my maternity leave with Cece.
I don’t have that this time. So apart from going to Cece’s dance class on a Monday afternoon, I have no real reason to leave the house. I’ve looked at baby classes and most of them are on hiatus over the summer. Not that I really want to go to them anyway. I mean, I’d like to but I’m nervous. I haven’t got that safety net this time. It sounds so stupid when I say it (or write it) out loud but I’ve become more socially anxious since having kids and I just don’t know why. Yes, I know most of the parents in these classes are in exactly the same boat and have shown up on their own, but what if no one speaks to me? I want to be the one that just casually strikes up a convo with the mum sat next to me or whatever but I just can’t bring the words to come up and out of my mouth.
I’d like to say that the upside of me spending so much extra time at home meant that the house was sparkling, I was totally on top of my laundry, I’d had time to iron everything before I put it away and that my cooking was on top form because of all the delicious meals I’d had time to spend on but it’s just not the case. There are loads of little jobs around the house that I really need to do. I actually want to do them but I just can’t seem to bring myself to start them. In fact, what I seem to spend all my time doing is online shopping. I am filling the house full of crap, buying Cece and Rory more clothes than they will ever possibly be able to wear and spending money that I just don’t have! It’s a problem.
Recently, I’ve tried to get myself out of this funk though. I’ve joined the new gym that has opened on our development and I’m trying to go at least twice a week. I’m still trying to settle into a bit of a routine with it and find some classes that I can hit up regularly. I’m hoping to get some level of fitness back so I’m not tired just from waking up the stairs and then I’m going to give that skating life a try again. I miss roller derby a lot and really want to get back into it but I’ve been off skates for more than a year and my confidence with my ability to skate is at absolute rock bottom.
As well as having health and fitness goals I want to start spending time doing the things I used to love like baking and cross-stitch. Things that I loved doing and sharing the fruits of my labour with people but that’s taken a bit of a confidence hit too. I feel like anything I could produce just isn’t good enough to share with anyone. I always thought I was pretty creative but I feel like I’ve hit a wall there. I love a project so maybe I need to try and find myself one I can get stuck into to kickstart that part of my brain again.
The thing is, there are a few things that I’d really love to do but I don’t even know where to start. I know the first thing I need to do is get off my bum and stop wasting time. There are more important things than my Netflix to watch list (even though that has left me a bit uninspired the past few days too now that I’ve finished Queer Eye.)
Trying to work towards a version of me that balances the line of Laura and mum and all the other things that I am is still very much a work in progress but at least now it is in progress – no matter how small. Also, if you have any words of wisdom or snippets of advice I’d love to hear them.