Since I had Cece my weight has boomed. I have grown in size. I think once I had someone else to look after I just stopped looking after myself. I let myself go. The numbers in my clothes and the size of my ass got bigger and bigger. I’d say that the number on the scales did too but I never weighed myself. I figured if it wasn’t there in front of me, it wasn’t really happening.
You see, before I had Cece I was in the best shape of my life. I felt good in myself, in my clothes and in general. I was fit, I was strong and I was feeling good. Before I was pregnant I was doing Crossfit three times a week and seeing my personal trainer once a week. Although I stopped Crossfit quite early on in my pregnancy, I saw Rob every week until I was about 37 weeks pregnant. I think it had a big effect on my energy levels while I was pregnant too. Plus, I was complimented on my ab muscles by my midwife (lol!)
Then I was at home with a newborn baby. I was tired, I was eating anything I could put my hands on that I didn’t have to cook and I was just doing what I could to keep going through the sleep deprivation. The thing is; Cece got older, we got into more of a routine, I had a bit more time for myself and I carried on the same way. I wasn’t moving much and I was eating considerably more. It was baby weight, you see. I was expected to have it. I wasn’t really bothered about it.
But now, I am. It’s starting to affect me. In ways that I’d not thought about before. It’s affecting almost every part of my life now and I’m not happy about it. I’m not happy at how unfit I feel when I’m playing with Cece. I’m not happy at my lack of stamina at roller derby training. I’m not happy when I look in the mirror. I don’t feel happy in the way I look. I’m very conscious of my weight and how I’m not confident in my outfit choices. Not being confident in my outfit choices means that I don’t feel confident in social situations. How I dressed used to be an outward expression of my personality. If I wanted to wear something outlandish, I would and I’d feel happy in my choices but now, if I stray away from the comfort of my black high waisted jeans and a loose top (also usually black or grey if I’m feeling fancy) I feel like a mountain. It’s really shaken my self-confidence and self-esteem.
It’s been too long now to blame it on baby weight still. I mean she’s nearly two and a half. I’ve started making a few small changes. I’ve moved to a mostly vegetarian diet that I’m going to become more strict on. We now get Gousto boxes* each week. In that, we get four vegetarian meals every Monday. It means we eat much better and our portion sizes are more controlled. I’m eating things I’d never have thought of making before and, as a result, eating fewer takeaways and beige food. I’ve also joined Gymbox. It’s not the closest gym to me or the cheapest but it has classes that I enjoy. I’m slowly getting back into exercising for enjoyment by doing some of the crazy classes. I’m looking at you, aerial yoga.
That’s just a start though. I need to knuckle down and take control of my life. This is me drawing a line in the sand. This is me saying it starts now. I’m not comfortable yet sharing the number that appears on the scales currently. But maybe once it starts moving in the right direction I’ll be happy to let you know where I’ve started from. I’ve also decided I’m going to take some photos of myself so I can see any changes. I’m also not sure if I’m happy to share them with you yet. I think that’s why I’ve just picked a few different photos of me since having Cece for this post so you can see how my shape has changed.
So yeah, I’m not really sure why I wanted to write this post. Probably just to get these thoughts out of my head. If they’re written down somewhere I feel a sense of ownership towards my plans and ideas. Also, if you have any tips or hints let me know.
*Not an ad. I pay for my boxes every week and I really enjoy them. It is a referral link. If you order using this link you’ll get 50% off your first two boxes and I’ll get £15 off one of mine.