Even as I’m starting this post I’m not 100% sure where it’s going or what the point is. I just thought I’d warn you upfront that this could be a bit on the rambly side in case you want to grab a cuppa and settle down or get the fudge out of here before you get sucked in.
I’ve been feeling a bit lost recently. Before I found out I was pregnant around this time last year (well it was September but you know what I mean) I was in the best shape I’d been for a while. I was seeing my personal trainer, Rob once a week- which was good for a gossip as well as a workout and I was loving cross fit, going to the box at least twice a week. Working out gave me an opportunity to clear my head as well as get fitter and I started to actually feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years. I’ve never been one to enjoy exercise so this was a whole new world for me.
As well as all that there was a big project at work where we had to recreate our websites in a new content management system as we changed providers. I had a goal and a deadline to work to. I pretty much knew what I wanted to get finished each day. I don’t think I realised how much of me, as a person, is based on my work. Oh my god, am I the most boring person ever? I hope not, I’m hoping it’s just the fact that, obviously, it’s just that it’s taken up most of my time in my adult life so far. Isn’t that the same for most people? Please say it is!
Oh god, that revelation has taken me a bit by surprise. I’d never really thought about it until I started writing this post.
Anyway, I may have been bloody boring but at least I had an idea of who I was. Kind of. Also, I did things with my time. I had more energy and I knew, albeit roughly, where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I didn’t set myself goals, as such, but I had an overarching plan.
Cecilia was very much part of my big plan and no one person in the world brings me as much joy as she does on a daily basis. But I definitely wasn’t prepared for how much of me being her mum would absorb. I don’t really know how to explain it. I knew she would become the most important thing in my life but I didn’t realise that everything else would fly out the window.
When I was pregnant I was adamant that the baby would fit into my life and it wouldn’t be me fitting into theirs but that is exactly what has happened. I feel like I’ve abandoned everything and I’m just not sure what to do about it. I’m plodding along in a bit of a fog. The concept of days and time is becoming a bit alien to me because I don’t really ever need to be anywhere and I feel like I’ve morphed into this middle aged, frumpy mum. I’ve kind of lost who I am.
I didn’t start this post with the idea of it being a big old “oh, woe is me” moan fest so, sorry about that. *awkward face*
Although, getting it off my chest does make my head feel less fuzzy so silver linings and all that, right?
I think I need to give my head a bit of a wobble and start piecing my self back together a little bit at a time. I know I’ll be different to who I was before but there’s got to be more to me than mumdom. There has to be.